Just another dream where I lived in this really nice apartment in a cove on a bay and do simple work for simple pay and then one day I take up a job to apparently “quiet” a bunch of japanese girls on a boat which I don’t realize means kill and then I get to the boat and some assassian lady tries to beat me to the punch and then kill me but I kill her first and then, having committed murder, I return to my apartment and some people from the underground mutant colony that lives next door to me ask if I would ever do it again and I told them “never”
I dunno, at least the creepy/weird/intense dreams are fun to write about, you know? And they’re fun to describe, but my brain keeps tossing me these really nice situations with really perfect people, and waking up from the dreams just fucking sucks.
I used to enjoy writing about weird, intense dreams but these days I just want one where I’m not trying to save my friends from a giant mammal thing while we’re running around a Japanese suburb. If I can just get some kind of dream-girl that could never exist to spend a day at dream Hershey Park with me, that’s A+. I usually figure out it’s a dream once I realize I don’t recognize this person, but I try to ignore that because once I realize I’m in a dream, my brain is like “HE KNOWS TOO MUCH! ABORT! ABORT! GET OUTTA THERE!” It does suck, but it’s the whole “better to have loved and lost than never loved at all” or something like that.
I have a lot of those too. They are kind of unpleasant. Does your brain also create dream significant others? I hate that a little more than the ridiculous ones.
I actually prefer the dreams with dream significant others. Where the ridiculous ones usually end with me getting shot/bitten/stabbed and are a Lynchian plethora of “Can you even guess what the fuck I’m a metaphor for? Trust Issues maybe? Social Anxieties? It could be anything at this point!”
At least with dream significant others it feels like my brain’s throwing me a bone, the dream equivalent to a drunken hook-up (In theory, not that I’m some kind of expert). Sure, it’s obviously not a permanent solution and it won’t change anything, but it’s nice to have company for the night and forget that I’m single.
From SyFy original movie plot-lines played straight in my head, to giant killer rodent things while on vacation in Japan (not like Godzilla giant, more like The Host), to Hunger-Games style Battle Royale’s in a warehouse (God Jack just shut up and let me stab you, stop being a bitch about it because I’m the one that’s beating you just because I didn’t wanna date you).
I would just like a dream where I don’t wake up with physical pains in me as remnants of what my brain decided to make me feel.
Or a Paprika-style dream recorder and a psychologist. They’d have a freakin’ field day with my dreams lately.
So I'm looking at everything they're offering at Bonnaroo other than music and I see:
New and classic films abound this year on the farm. Catch an advance sneak peek of Hit and Run, written, directed by and starring Dax Shepard (Parenthood) and starring Kristen Bell (House of Lies; Forgetting Sarah Marshall). Hit and Run is the story of Charlie Bronson (Dax Shepard), a nice guy with a questionable past who risks everything when he busts out of the witness protection program to deliver his fiancée (Kristen Bell) to Los Angeles to seize a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.Dax and Kristen will be on hand to present the film, which also stars The Hangover’s Bradley Cooper.
Basically, I’m going to get the chance to be in the same room (tent, actually) as Kristen Bell.
Kristen Bell and I are going to become BFF’s
We are going to become the B-est of all BF’s ever of all time.
A few hours ago, I landed in Los Angeles, turned on my phone, and confirmed what you already know. Sony Pictures Television is replacing me as showrunner on Community, with two seasoned fellows that I’m sure are quite nice - actually, I have it on good authority they’re quite nice, because they once created a show and cast my good friend Jeff Davis on it, so how bad can they be.
Why’d Sony want me gone? I can’t answer that because I’ve been in as much contact with them as you have. They literally haven’t called me since the season four pickup, so their reasons for replacing me are clearly none of my business. Community is their property, I only own ten percent of it, and I kind of don’t want to hear what their complaints are because I’m sure it would hurt my feelings even more now that I’d be listening for free.
I do want to correct a couple points of spin, now that I’m free to do so:
The important one is this quote from Bob Greenblatt in which he says he’s sure I’m going to be involved somehow, something like that. That’s a misquote. I think he meant to say he’s sure cookies are yummy, because he’s never called me once in the entire duration of his employment at NBC. He didn’t call me to say he was starting to work there, he didn’t call me to say I was no longer working there and he definitely didn’t call to ask if I was going to be involved. I’m not saying it’s wrong for him to have bigger fish to fry, I’m just saying, NBC is not a credible source of All News Dan Harmon.
You may have read that I am technically “signed on,” by default, to be an executive consulting something or other - which is a relatively standard protective clause for a creator in my position. Guys like me can’t actually just be shot and left in a ditch by Skynet, we’re still allowed to have a title on the things we create and “help out,” like, I guess sharpening pencils and stuff.
However, if I actually chose to go to the office, I wouldn’t have any power there. Nobody would have to do anything I said, ever. I would be “offering” thoughts on other people’s scripts, not allowed to rewrite them, not allowed to ask anyone else to rewrite them, not allowed to say whether a single joke was funny or go near the edit bay, etc. It’s….not really the way the previous episodes got done. I was what you might call a….hands on producer. Are my….periods giving this enough….pointedness? I’m not saying you can’t make a good version of Community without me, but I am definitely saying that you can’t make my version of it unless I have the option of saying “it has to be like this or I quit” roughly 8 times a day.
The same contract also gives me the same salary and title if I spend all day masturbating and playing Prototype 2. And before you ask yourself what you would do in my situation: buy Prototype 2. It’s fucking great.
Because Prototype 2 is great, and because nobody called me, and then started hiring people to run the show, I had my assistant start packing up my office days ago. I’m sorry. I’m not saying seasons 1, 2 and 3 were my definition of perfect television, I’m just saying that whatever they’re going to do for season 4, they’re aiming to do without my help. So do not believe anyone that tells you on Monday that I quit or diminished my role so I could spend more time with my loved ones, or that I negotiated and we couldn’t come to an agreement, etc. It couldn’t be less true because, just to make this clear, literally nobody called me. Also don’t believe anyone that says I have sex with animals. And if there’s a photo of me doing it with an animal - I’m not saying one exists, I’m just saying, if one surfaces - it’s a fake. Look at the shadow. Why would it be in front of the giraffe if the sun is behind the jeep?
Where was I? Oh yeah. I’m not running Community for season 4. They replaced me. Them’s the facts.
When I was a kid, sometimes I’d run home to Mommy with a bloody nose and say, “Mom, my friends beat me up,” and my Mom would say “well then they’re not worth having as friends, are they?” At the time, I figured she was just trying to put a postive spin on having birthed an unpopular pussy. But this is, after all, the same lady that bought me my first typewriter. Then later, a Commodore 64. And later, a 300 baud modem for it. Through which I met new friends that did like me much, much more.
I’m 39, now. The friends my Mom warned me about are bigger now, and older, bloodying my nose with old world numbers, and old world tactics, like, oh, I don’t know, sending out press releases to TV Guide at 7pm on a Friday.
But my Commodore 64 is mobile now, like yours, and the modems are invisible, and the internet is the air all around us. And the good friends, the real friends, are finding each other, and connecting with each other, and my Mom is turning out to be more right than ever.
Ah, shit, I still haven’t called my fucking Mom.
Mom, Happy Mother’s Day. I got fired.
Yes, Mom. AGAIN.
There’s now a “The Dan Harmon Years” part of Community. We’ll see if they can still make it good in season 4 without him (and all the other writers/producers who left) but who knows…
And while Community does exist as a show with seven very important, very well constructed characters, there is a hero among the bunch: Abed. Abed is Community’s shining star. Community is Abed’s show. And from the moment we meet him in the pilot, to his first tear-jerking short film that touched his father’s heart, to his expressed reliance on television later in the first season, all the way up to his most recent post-expulsion breakdown into Inspector Spacetime mode (the only way he’s comfortable “getting to the bottom” of the very clear problem presented with he and his friends).
And although Abed is awesome — a fly too awesome for the wall, in fact — he’s also a very complicated, very troubled, very lonely character. Dan Harmon appreciates this. He gave fans the heartbreaking “Abed’s Uncontrollable Christmas,” an animated episode that will make you break down in tears. He created the how-the-hell-did-this-get-approved “Critical Film Studies” in which Abed manipulates Jeff into inadvertently living out the movie My Dinner with Andre, the only way he knows how to reach out for human affection. And in “Virtual Systems Analysis,” Abed takes a long, hard look at himself, realizing just how pained he his by his own compulsion to distance himself from his friends, and how much he needs them.
Harmon loves Abed. He appreciates what makes him a tragic character. He also appreciates what makes him a hilarious oddball. And this balance is integral to keeping Community’s most important figure as close to our hearts as he needs to be. Because, in all truth, most of us watching Community are Abeds in our own right.