SONGS I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH EPISODE ONE: Six years after the fact, I have some things to say about the Carrie Underwood song “Before He Cheats”

It’s a very presumptuous song.

Note these lyrics:

Right now he’s probably slow dancing
With a bleached-blond tramp
And she’s probably getting frisky

Right now, he’s probably buying
Her some fruity little drink
'Cause she can't shoot whiskey

Right now, he’s probably up behind her
With a pool stick
Showing her how to shoot a combo

She keeps saying “probably”, and these are the opening lines to the song! We have no history of their relationship or any indication of his character from his concrete actions, merely the jumped-to conclusions of a women who I’m beginning to feel is very insecure about the state of their relationship.

Sure, in Carrie’s head he’s PROBABLY up behind her. He’s PROBABLY dabbing on $3 worth of that bathroom polo (I’m not entirely sure what that means). But is he really?

Oh and he don’t know
That I dug my key into the side
Of his pretty little souped-up 4 wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seat
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights
Slashed a hole in all 4 tires
And maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats

I dunno about you, but I think I’d wait until I had some real concrete evidence before I mangled this dude’s car, which I would probably have to face vandalizing charges for. Maybe Carrie’s just insecure about their relationship, but that doesn’t mean he’s cheating.

You carved your name into his leather seat, Carrie? I hate to tell you, but even if he is cheating, that’s kind of extreme. You could just dump him! Just break up with him! I’m pretty sure between getting drunk and cheating and carving your name into someone’s car seat because you don’t know where he is some nights, you both

Right now, she’s probably up singing some
White-trash version of Shania karaoke

Um, wow. Pretty judgmental there. You think your boyfriend is just going to go for some “white trash” girl? Maybe she’s a very nice girl who doesn’t know he has a boyfriend! Don’t fall into that mentality of blaming the mistress when a guy cheats. It’s terrible.

Right now, she’s probably saying, “I’m drunk”
And he’s a thinking that he’s gonna get lucky

You’re in a relationship with someone who you don’t think is above committing date rape? I don’t know where your standards are, Carrie, but you’ve got to raise them. If you think “Oh yeah, he’s probably taken advantage of some drunk girls and might again” you’ve REALLY got to reconsider being around this guy.

I might’ve saved a little trouble for the next girl
'Cause the next time that he cheats
Oh, you know it won’t be on me!

Um, yeah, it DEFINITELY won’t be on you, because he’s going to leave you. Especially if he wasn’t cheating in the first place, he’s going to get the hell out of there. He can’t cheat on you if you’re not dating.

Maybe you could’ve just talked it out before you messed up the dude’s ride, Carrie.

Talk it out next time.

The inner monologue of someone watching me drink bubble tea

A Commentary on Act I, scene i, lines 1-16 of “Hamlet, Prince of Denmark” for my Shakespeare: Tragedies and Romances class

After writing this out, I think I may have been looking at a faulty translation. Too tired to investigate further tonight. Should I still turn this in?


During the prologue, the setting of the play becomes the topic of discussion. Although the title of the play is “Hamlet, Prince of Denmark”, the first words spoken by the narrator, who though unnamed, for the sake of this commentary we will assume is Prince Hamlet himself, are “Rack Rack City, Bitch.” (I, i, 1-3) This states that although the titular character is Hamlet, Prince of Denmark he has for one reason or another, traveled to Rack Rack City.

Prince Hamlet of Denmark, currently in Rack Rack City, proclaims that “Mustard on the beet.” (I, i, 4) This tells us that over the course of the play, Hamlet is feasting on beets with mustard. Mustard-seasoned Beets are now thought by historians to be a common meal of royalty in Shakespeare’s time. ( “A Feast Fit For a Shakespeare”, 42-43.)

After reminding us of the location he is feasting in once more, Prince Hamlet points out to Ophelia “Ten Ten Ten Twenty on your Titties, Bitch.” (I, i, 5) This is the first of many times we see not only Hamlet’s unique counting method, wherein he states rounded numbers to be added up, but also his odd obsession with women’s breasts. The 50 on Ophelia’s breasts could mean a number of things, however the general consensus is that it is a reference to Numerology in which the number 50 is ruled by the planet Mercury. ( “Numerology in Literature”, 235)  Basically, Hamlet wished that Ophelia had a larger chest. Oddly enough, later in the play Hamlet declares himself to be an ass-man, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. The thing to take away from this oft-repeated phrase is that A.) Hamlet enjoys big breasts B.) Ophelia killed herself because hers were too small.

Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, is attending a crowded party filled with royalty in Rack Rack city. “100 deep VIP, no guest list” (I, i, 6). The tension is high, as Hamlet warns his political opponent “T-raw, you don’t know who you fuckin’ with.” (I, i, 7). Hamlet has come to Rack Rack City to declare his plan to attempt to breed female dogs with each other. “Got my other bitch fuckin’ with my other bitch.” (I, i, 8). Hamlet, seemingly unable to stick to one topic, suddenly proclaims his crippling sex addiction to the 99 others in the room “Fuckin’ all night, nigga we ain’t celibate” (I, i, 10). During an aside to the audience, Hamlet tells us that the other partygoers “say I’m too dope, I ain’t selling it.” (I, i, 11) They find it impossible to believe that someone as cool a guy as Hamlet could have such a problem. Hamlet himself even believes he is “fresher than a motherfuckin’ peppermint.” (I, i, 12)

Hamlet, despite having just announced his terrible addiction, still tells the people of Rack Rack City that he is the best option to lead them, especially after the Gold Lettermans, a religious sect under the control of the previous king, slaughtered a great deal of the citizens of Rack Rack City. “Gold Letttermans, Last King killin’ shit.” (I, i, 13) His declares that his first act as King will be to begin printing new money “Y-Young Money, Young Money, yeah we gettin’ rich” (I, i, 14) obviously having no clue how the global financial system works. 

The first hints at the Oedipal undertones of the play spring up in this early scene when Hamlet tells the people of Rack Rack City that he “Got Grandma On My Dick” (I, i, 15). However it isn’t clear, many scholars believe that this implies that Hamlet is having sexual relation with his grandmother. ( “Motherfuckers in Shakespeare” 84) This belief is also held by Ophelia, who appears concerned. When silently questioned by Ophelia, Hamlet merely tells her that “Girl you know what it is.” (I, i, 16)

Here’s a full copy of the version of the text I used for this paper. (NSFW)

Elevator Mojo/Ettiquete

So my roommate’s friend is over playing his Xbox with him, and he’s talking about how he’s “Lost his Mojo”.

Apparently he was in the elevator with some hot girl and didn’t talk to her.

If acting like that is a lack of mojo, I must be in like, negative mojo-land.

Like I can understand making elevator conversation, especially with someone you know. But talking to someone you don’t know? Especially if they’re attractive? WHEN THEY DON’T SPEAK TO YOU FIRST? That’s just levels of risk and I dare not preform such a task for I know the other elevatee will think I’m creepy and awkward as hell, and also be correct.

To help explain my beliefs in Jack O’Keeffe Elevator Interactions:

Me in the elevator (by myself):

"Pusin’ floor number four. Like Always."

"…"

"THIS ELEVATOR CAN’T EVEN HANDLE ME RIGHT NOW!"

"Oop, I’m here."

And then I depart.

How I react when I’m in the elevator with someone else:

Read More

I do stand-up sometimes.

Disclaimer: Any and all people mentioned and the situations surrounding them have been exaggerated for the purposes of comedy. Don’t get offended at me. PLEASE don’t get offended at me. Pay attention to the “Why should anyone care what I say?” part.

I wish I was better at laughs as opposed to just “awwwwwwwwws”

A voicemail I got last night.